Irony
the ego is fear
and control wrapped in lust
for power and approval
he grabs ahold of the heart
and cites its deep trust
as grounds for removal
atop his new throne
the ego will groan
grasping for affection
if only he’d known
not to bury his own
after forced dissection
Introduction: First Day
You must pronounce my name Naomi, like what you call some of the females among you. I wouldn’t know how to convey the sound outside of my native language, but what have we lost? A label is no more than a shortcut. You should get to know me and call me what you will.
One is assigned a number at birth where I’m from. I understand it’s the same way here. If no record were kept, the threat of chaos would arrest us. And we all like to maintain order despite our vain demands for freedom. Anonymity is a romantic dream turned nightmare when realized.
I only know this because my own identity was a secret from all but the doctor and God for ten years. My mother and father got a clever tale and a free bundle of joy; I got a new life and a tough riddle to solve.
Our doctors back at home are above reproach, not obligated to the law of the land but trusted to make the right decision in every case. I’d like to change that condition, but no one ever asked me what I think before now.
So I’d like to thank all thirty-six of you for giving me this platform. You should know what a rare honor it is to be called upon by my peers. I have worked hard to finally arrive, and you’ve given me an even warmer welcome than expected. Your citizens have exceeded all my naive hopes.
Today we stand together on the brink of a new year ready to face the unknown. Ms. Brown is more a guide than a teacher, since our lessons will reveal themselves. Later, we will praise her for showing us the path. None of this should feel like a chore.
No matter what happens here, let’s all promise to be kind. I may struggle to catch up at times. Please forgive the ignorance that I will no doubt display. Just know that I never err without correction and I may on occasion seek your help in providing it.
You have my deepest gratitude, new friends, for agreeing to host me on Earth, for accepting the future with open hearts.
- Class speech, Cherokee High, 2026
If we were truly to work for something, we should work to have all guns banned in this country. Take the guns and the gas from the cops. Turn them out on foot with batons if necessary, but let them work in the community the way London bobbies work, sans firearms. Then they would have to deal with the kids vis-a-vis, face to face, and maybe, just maybe, they would have to start acting like human beings, not killing automatons.
—Harlan Ellison, May 22, 1970
TIM HEIDECKER: Happy NUDE Year
Wanted to share with you this true story:
Last night my wife and I went out for a small, nice New Year’s Eve dinner with some close friends. We had a great meal, and some good wine. It was a nice, adult evening and we were home in bed by 12:30! (not exactly and all nighter, haha)
I woke…
Bo Burnham, Amy Schumer, Chelsea Peretti, Reggie Watts, Hannibal Buress, and John Mulaney for Vanity Fair (x)This is incredible.
(Source: uppityminx)
How did we walk here? Like, when did we get here, and wait, did someone carry me? Brad! Wait, Brad! Did he carry me here? No, I walked all. by. myself. These shoes keep slipping off. I have to burp. How do you get rid of these hicc…ups?
Is it three already? How long were we at that one place? I left my napkin at the bar. I left it. I left it by the glass. Ugh, these noodles are, like, so good right now. So good, but, AGH, ORDER GYOZAS! HEY YOU GUYS, ORDER GYOZAS! GET GYOZAS! GYOZAS! HEY, GET SOME GYOZAS! ORDER GYOZAS! GYOZAS! because who cares? I ate, like, apples for lunch, anyway.
—
- gangly blond 20-something in pants, late Saturday night, Vietnamese chain restaurant
(actually vocalized words appear in all caps)
Don’t Look Down
insomniac drawing
